The Unfortunate Lizard

2003-03-02T00:51:00.000-08:00

I can hear you in there! The lights are off, but I can hear you! Stop laughing and open up, dammit!

So I started surfing Picrave again. It's amazing how much people are freakin' attention whores. I admit, I have my profile on there. I only did it so I could sign other people's profiles and that sorta thing. Of course, there are those whose entire life revolves around their current standings in Picrave (or FaceTheJury). One girl I know who shall remain nameless is so obsessed with these damn sites that she gets depressed when people stop voting for her or when the entire server is reset. She even goes so far as to edit her pictures in photo shop before posting them. I can't find the really good example right now, so you'll just have to trust me. She's a nice girl, but not too bright.

It sorta makes you think, though. The next picture of ahotty you see, try looking around her tits and her hips... look closely at the background surrounding them and see if they are warped at all. That's a surefire way of telling if the picture has been edited.

Oh boy, the lengths we go these days.

I mean, why can't they just use trick lighting, like me?

A prime example:

Tata.

Andrew

2003-02-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

'Tis better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven... or something.

So I'm sitting here... at highschool... doing literature... of which I did last year....

So kiddies, can you circle what's wrong in that sentence? Did you circle every goddamned thing? No? Idiot!

So I'm taking Lit 12 again, because, well, I failed last year and I don't want to have a big freakin' 'F' sitting next to one of my best subjects. 'So,' I say to myself, 'I think I'll go back to school. There's a good idea and a half.' So my naive self drags my fat ass back to school to torture myself voluntarily.

So, I started another sentence with so. How many's that now?

Stupid school. Stupid computers. Stupid T1 line that is shared with five freaking schools. Stupid using 'freak' as a substitute for 'fuck'. Atleast I have cool hair. That or obscenely stupid looking hair. Either way, some kid wanted to film it for his stupid media project.

Whatever.

I felt like screaming, "No! Do not make me part of your silly highschool project, peon! I am a year older than you and therefore higher on the social ladder! Begone with ye!"

And then I remembered that the only thing worse than a highschool kid is a voluntary one.

For shame Andrew, for shame.

Andrew.

2003-01-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

So, I walk into a bar, and the bartender says, 'Hey kid, let's see some ID!' Get it? I did!

Okay, this has nothing to do with the title (when does it really ever have anything to do with anything, I wonder?)

There's the magic word, hidden at the end of that unscrupulous sentence with the parenthesis tucked away within yet another sentence. I. Wonder.

Sometimes I wonder the following:

1) Why up is up and not down or left or right or south.

2) Why I'm the only one who seems to notice that everyone but me is a complete and utter moron.

3) Why I claim to think I am smarter than all of you. Who the fuck am I kidding? (YOU, ya dumb bastards! HAHA!)

4) Why people who write other blogs can't seem to find the shift key in order to capitalize their sentences.

5) Why people seem to think that blasting away a smaller country who wants to be heard will solve all their problems.

6) Why I haven't dropped dead from alcohol poisoning or chronic cynisism (I hear it's quite a way to go).

7) Why my internet doesn't work when I'm bored, and does when I'm not.

8) Why patriotism is somehow different from nationalism.

9) Why I refuse handouts when I could really really use them.

10) Why lists always seem to end at the number 10.

11) And why people don't seem to care what comes after.

Waiting for the answers.
Andrew

2002-12-23T00:37:00.000-08:00

I Work with social deviants! To think I thought I wouldn't have fun!

Wow, I like my work.

My favorite part? Drunk stories and food fights in the kitchen. Not to mention one of the grillboys is a dealer.

I think he smokes too much of his product, though, because he thinks Aphex Twin wrote "What's My Age Again" and Nickelback is really called "Silver-side Up". He's cool otherwise.

I can't wait until I get to deal with a drunk or a wacked out crack whore. Apparently it happens alot.

Cracking my knuckles,
Andrew

2002-12-19T23:20:00.000-08:00

Hi, Remember Me?

Well, I did it. I finally got my mother off my back and got back on the horse.

The work horse, that is.

This time, however, I've gone from 'Sales Zealot' to 'Burger Warrior'. Ah yes, the grunt of the Common Commercialist Army. The disposable, the greasy: the fastfood grillboy. In fact, I was so perfect for the job, they phoned back the same day as the interview (today). I am to report to work tomorrow, fresh and early at 9 AM. The order of the day, learn the classic "bump and curl". If you don't know what that is, I'm not going to tell you. It's a major hint as to what fast food joint I'm working at, and if you can guess, I'll airmail you one of their burgers.

As for everything else in my life, well, meh. I got my christmas shopping done today (and under my 30 dollar budget-- 40 if it had not been for a Classic Double from Wendy's). I come to loathe this bastardized commercialist holiday representing a conjured up fictional event more and more every year. Pretty soon, the legend will go that only the good little boys and girls who spent atleast 100 dollars at their favorite department store will get visited by santa-- and if they're especially good, they'll get extra Club-Z points.

As for New Years, I look apon this year's festivities with anticipation. Any christmas proceeds will go directly to the "Get Andrew Good and Hammered Fund", where Andrew will go to the Cambie in Nanaimo with his friends, buy pitcher after pitcher of those most vile, alcoholic stuff he can afford, and get shit faced while listening to some hardcore thrashing punk music. And then there will be much rejoicing.

No doubt my new job will require me to work on New Years Day... you know it's gonna happen. Well, I'll go to work, but I'll make sure I'm good and hung over first. You know... to teach myself a lesson. Yeah. That'll work.

Anyway, off to bed... off to bed. Commercial Assimilation awaits.
Andrew.

2002-11-12T01:26:00.000-08:00

Mid-Appocolyptic Report: The Engine Has Been Dropped, I repeat...

We dropped the new engine in to the car yesterday. Yesterday, that is, after dropping it in a day before and realizing that some shit was on it wrong and we'd have to take it out and rip that stuff off. Ah well. I've been slowing down, as my gung-ho spirit tends to fade as things become more regular (it's the same reason why I don't post as often as I used to here, too). I also blame my slow-ness on the radio. I've been listening to the MOJO (The New AM 730, Talk Radio for Guys). They have the funniest shit on there. I now am confident I can pick up chicks too. Well, okay, I was confident I could do that before, but that's beside the point.

The point is, Tom Leykis is my god.

He says that in order to get chicks, men should be liars, assholes, and should base relationships mostly on sex. I'm already on the same wavelength as this dude. Women are, for the most part, ditzes that demand monogamy from their male partners but don't mind having a few of those male partners. He talks about how women are crazy, CRAZY birds and how men shouldn't trust them, give them bank account numbers, PIN numbers, or anything else that is valuable to them.

How true is that? 100%, that's how true.

I've been tempted to phone in to one of his shows sometime. If I do, I'll record it and save it on wave format for you people. This guy is just fucking awesome, you have NO idea. He's a 45 year-old guy, he's been married four times, and he listens to Blink-182 on a regular basis. Chicks flash their tits for him and everything. I want to be this man.

2002-10-31T16:05:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween.

The ghouls are coming out, the vampires emerging from their lairs, the werewolves from their dens, and the mummies from their crypts. Don't forget Barbie, Mario and Pikachu who are emerging from Walmart. Also, don't forget the countless amounts of french maids, catholic school girls and oddly promiscuous nuns from "Adult" stores. Yup, we certainly know what halloween is all about.

Anyway, I'm not really in the mood for any kind of bashing of halloween (it's my favorite holiday and I still see things wrong with it) because my jacket smells like cigars and I need to clean the grease off of me. See ya later.

Andrew

2002-10-30T19:10:00.000-08:00

"I removed my drive-shaft and my tranny-fluid flowed all over the ground when I went to get a beer!" and other idiot mechanic quotes.

I have my father's hands, and I mean that in niether the genetic nor the homocidal sense.

My father gracoiusly offered to give me his old pinto (well, half anyway) if I agreed to put in all the labour involved in bringing it back into working order. He would buy whatever parts we would need, while I would put in all of the time and effort (it being Wednesday, I have put in a total of 26 hours of work, and I started on Monday). Basically, I would start at seven in the morning, wait in the shop for the frost to disappear (the weather has been great, in fact record breaking, but we still have shit loads of frost in the morning-- that's Canada for you), then make my way out into the yard to start tearig pieces off of the car. What I needed to do the first day was get the old engine removed (we are going to put in a new one). So basically I spent the entire days on my knees and on my back. Reading that sentence alone makes it seem like not such a bad thing. I should, however, describe the area of town I am working in.

I am working in the yard of my father's sheet-metal shop. A place where they make duct-work, ventelation systems, crap like that. A place where location isn't a high priority. The shop is situated in probably the seediest part of the dirtiest section of the asshole of the red-light district of our city. As I worked, I watched hookers, pot-heads, druggies, drunks, homeless people, crazies and dysgruntled old bitches walk past all day. I got to watch cops break into a house and bust some bootleggers, watched a dysgruntled old bitch break into that very same house about an hour later, and all sorts of great, fantastic things that make me love the world I live in.

I wanted to take some pictures of me working on the car and post them here but I figured that would be something someone does on a gay web-journal... so... I really wanted to take those pictures.

My dad's a good guy. He showed me how to do everything because, well, I don't know shit about cars, engines, are other really big loud machines (oh, hadn't I mentioned that yet?). He also likes to point out the obvious. Once I have varified that I understood the instructions and got to work, he would then start telling me what to do, all over again. Ah well. He's paying, so he gets to say and do whatever the hell he wants.

I was listening to the most fucking coolest guy ever on the radio. His name is Tom something... he has a really gay last name that you just aren't sure how to spell and it doesn't stick in your head either.

Ah well, I really have to take a piss so I'm cutting this short.
Andrew

2002-10-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

"Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a hobo living between the logs on the beach."

I hate when people say, "My name is , and when I get older I plan to be successful." Well duh! Do you think that when I was younger I wanted to be this guy with a cynical attitude and the need to insult people for cheap laughs? No... not really. I wanted to be a fireman. And a space man. Oh, and a cowboy. Atleast that's what I told them to say when I walked down the aisle to get my highschool diploma. (Someday I'll digitalize that video so you can see that I'm not lying... it's sad, really.) Since when did people plan to be successful? Either you are successful and manage to do everything you wanted to do, or you aren't. You don't just become it. You are born successful. Or you're not.

Sound like bullshit? Probably. But, like all my arguments, my bullshit ends up being worth its weight in gold (that's a lot of gold). Hear me out.

We succeeding isn't a goal, it's a lifestyle. Some people don't plan on being gay in the future, they just are. It's the same with success. We don't make it, and it doesn't make us. We are success and success is us. Now, before you start thinking I'm some gay motivational speaker, I'm not. Not everyone has success in their blood. Now, when someone doesn't have success in their blood, it doesn't mean they are failures (well usually it does, but you'll see where I'm going with this... I promise). It means they are simply not the right people for today's requirements. The requirements, of course, are decided by the ruling class, aka the majority. If the majority is a bunch of schedule-driven busy-bodied workaholics with a need for efficient german sex twice a week (no more, no less), then so be it. If that's the case, then down with spontaneous easy-going party-people with a love for passion (whenever, wherever). The human race doesn't need them.

The human race's needs are, of course, decided by the ruling class (aka you know who).

So, in this fast paced work-world, the easy-going lover is forced to adapt or die, like any other species facing extinction. Being the easy-goer he is, willing to "go with the flow", he'll probably adapt. Then we are all SNAFU'd. Ain't nature grand, folks?

So, by today's standards, these easy-going lovers would be failures, or unsuccessful. Sure, some of them may be able to sell a piece of their grungy wall-paper to the smithsonian and pass it off as DaVinci's lost work, but for the most part these guys (and gals) are pretty fucked over. If the situation were reversed and these easy-goers ruled the world, anal-retentive time-keepers would be the ones clinging frantically to the edge of the gene-pool. God, I hate this planet and every dumb mother-fucker who thinks they own it. Give the place to me for a day and I'll show you just how thin the line is between mass extinction and mass suicide.

Time to change my depends,
Andrew

2002-10-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

When Parents Go Berzerk 2: WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR ARM?!?!?!

Okay, it wasn't a tattoo. It was just plain washable marker. I was feeling a little more pissed off at the world yesterday. I wrote words like "Normal?" and "Repent" on my forearms. I dunno, guess it was something to do. What my hawk-eyed mother noticed, however, was the word "Anarchy" written across my knuckles.

She flipped.

What really got me though was that when I asked why having the word anarchy written across my knuckles was such a bad thing, she stuttered a bit before answering:

"It's sick."

'It's Sick'? That's it? What the hell is wrong with her? Does she even know what the true meaning of anarchy is? Being the ever-vigilant journalist I am, I delved into the matter further, asking her just what was so sick about Anarchy. First, I asked her if she knew what it meant. This was her answer, more or less:

"Anarchy is when you don't want a government, you just want to do whatever you want without any kind of responsibility."

Now, I will post the meaning of anarchy from Dictionary.com, which states, and I quote:

an·ar·chy (Phonetic spelling removed for compatability)
n. pl. an·ar·chies
1. Absence of any form of political authority.
2. Political disorder and confusion.
3. Absence of any cohesive principle, such as a common standard or purpose.

Wow, so far Anarchy seems like a pretty bad thing, doesn't it? They might as well use words like "pandemonium", "chaos", and "utter silliness" as well, for crying out loud. So, my question to all of you is the following:

DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT ANARCHY IS?

Here's your homework, people. Check it out. Look it up. See what other people's points of view on it are. If you're too stupid to do that (I've been giving you people too much respect and responsibility lately anyway) I'll give you my opinion.

Anarchy is not "political confusion". I don't think anyone would be wandering around, their hands held out and this screwed up look on their face as they went, "Wha-? Who do I vote for? Where's Bush? Where' Cretien? I... I... I want to know where they went!!. Anarchy isn't about turning the world into one big house party where anything goes. It's about using our common sense to govern our own selves, rather than rely on fat old men who have large mansions to maintain and hookers to shower with. I mean, do we really want these guys telling us what is worth dying or killing for? The first sound of a gunshot makes men in black suits rush out and protect their fat ass as they waddle into their stretch limo. We PAY them for that.

Anarchy is all about living by your own rules. I mean sure, there's flaws. I'm not saying there isn't. But I think I missed the day they declared democracy officially free of flaws, too. Give me a break. I'd write more but I really doubt I'm going to change anyone's mind on this matter. Time to fuck off.

With extreme hatred and prejudice,
Andrew

2002-10-19T03:26:00.000-07:00

God, you bastard, I have a fucking bone to pick with you....

Okay, well I don't believe in the big kahuna, but I need to blame someone. Well, I just found out that yet another aquaintence of mine died. Now, I'll say right now that I didn't know him well. I smoked up with him a couple times, and he showed me his tazer. He was pretty cool. I found out on a friend of min's blog, and I'll repost what she posted:

Khalid Steele McBurney

April 13, 1983 - September 27, 2002

Khalid got hit by a truck on the corner of Alder St. and Candy Lane. Aparently he was going down Alder on his bike when the truck tried turning onto Candy, where Khalid which Khalid was crossing at the moment. Khalid was pronounced dead at 9:30pm and assumed to have been un-retrievable since the acceident an hour prior. He has left behind his Mother Cheryl, His Sister Amanda, and her daughter Summer. His great Aunt and Uncle; Pam and Mark. And a huge group of friends, the closest being Lisa {his girlfriend} Jess {my boyfriend, and his bestfriend} Charlie, Ashley, Heather, and many many others who have all been touched by this great tragedy.

He will be missed by many but never forgotten.

Well Khalid, we had some good times. I'll miss you dude, even though we never hung out too much. I wish I found out sooner. I'll smoke one for you.

I don't apologise for not posting more. This, unfortunately, has been the most interesting thing that has happened to me in quite a long while.

Till ANOTHER one of my friends die,
Andrew

2002-09-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

Wuh?

Single-syllable non-word titles, anyone?

Guess who got canned!

No, not George W. I'm still working on that one.

Me, actually. Yeah, last week on Saturday, I was 'let go'. Oh well. Ever notice how you love working at a place, then you're fired, and you suddenly loathe the managers there, even if they were really nice? Weird, huh? Go fig!

Bitty wants me to help her with her blog, which looks suspiciously like a robot... please wait a moment while I cock an eyebrow. I believe it even says on it, "Kilbot 5000". Is it just me, or do I sense some hidden hostility? Or perhaps a robo-fetish? Maybe both? Maybe it's hostility toward ho-bots. I don't know.

I played "Conker's Bad Fur Day" today. Again. For the one-hundredth million time. I can beat anyone and anything using either the katana or throwing knives. Booyah. I destroyed 40 computer players on "Einstein" difficulty by myself. The difficulties are "Einstein", "Bastard", "Normal", "Crap" and "Inbred". I swear, they made the game with me in mind.

Dubya busted some terrorist the other day. Just thought I'd throw that in to give this blog some sort of political value.

Screw thinking.
Andrew

2002-09-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter Toy Lines Now Targetting Booming Adult Market!

Check out this link, and be sure to read the reviews. All of them.

Hysterically yours. Andrew

2002-08-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Are Doom and Duke Nukem Neo-Nazi Training Programs for Reemerging Hitler's Youth Groups?

No. And I don't ever want to hear you say they are. I am about to say something that will no doubt offend someone profoundly, but hey, that's what I'm here to do:

PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT PRESERVING THE INNOCENCE OF A CHILD BY BLINDFOLDING THEM OR BY PREVENTING THEM FROM PLAYING "VIOLENT" VIDEO GAMES SHOULD PULL THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR COLLECTIVE ASS!

In fact, preserving the innocence of a child --period-- is an overall bad thing to do. Before you start cussing and spitting, claiming ignorantly that the innocence of a child is a beatiful thing, shut up and listen to me. I SAID SHUT UP! Jesus, I can hear you already.

First of all, innocence is as beautiful as a nice drag of a cigarette. Sure, it feels good, but it's also irrevocably damaging in the long term.

Protecting your child's innocence is just a pleasant way of saying that you are denying your children the truth. That's just idiotic, because your kids are going to learn the truth one way or another: the easy way, or the hard way.

The easy way:

You allow your kids to see that there is bad things in the world. There are drugs, wars, murders, etc. etc. every day. It is purely naive to think that it is worth protecting a child's "innocence". For who's benefit are you saving this innocence? For the child? Who are you to say that your child is better off ignorant of the state of the world? I think parents preserve this innocence to allow themselves to live through the eyes of a child, so that they can somehow forget about the crappy state of this planet. Yes, it blows, but here is the alternative:

The Hard Way:

You shield your child from everything. They grow up in clothes from the Gap, thinking people who dress in leather jackets and wear mowhawks are evil, do their school-work and never go to parties and socially interact with people (because how can you keep them innocent if they have friends?). They go through child-hood and adolesance watching 7th-Heaven and reading books you have approved. They have a scholarship! Yay! They get to go to college to become a lawyer/doctor/scientist. You are so proud. Your child goes off to school, away from you. But wait, what's this? Wars? Murders? Drug abuse? What's all this about? Peer-pressure? Never heard of it. What do you call this? Beer? Okay, I think I'll take a sip. Weed? Sure, one puff shouldn't hurt...

Soon enough they are drunks because hell, they didn't know. And if you told them to avoid anyone who did it (which if the did, by the by, doesn't mean they will do it), they could miss out on some good friends.

Soon, they realize that the world isn't the la-la happy place that you made it out to be. The sun doesn't always shine, and the flowers don't sing a happy tune. People die, people over-dose, people kill. Wars decimate, and our own governments care less and less about us every day.

Don't you think that the best way to protect someone against something is to teach them to protect themselves? And sure, you can do that, but shouldn't they know what they're protecting themselves against? If you walk through a dark room with a riot shield and no flashlight, sure you'll stop the bad things, but you may stop some good things too.

Come on, give your kids a flash light. You aren't going to be around to hold that riot shield forever.

This just occurred to me. Does George Orwell's 1984 mean anything to you? I guess the people in that story were innocent, too.

I'm not saying a guiding hand is bad, but heck, controlling what someone knows and does not know is, in my opinion, morally wrong.

Knowing is the very essence of life, we all know that:

I think, therefore I am.

the saying is not:

My mommy says I can think, therefore I think I am.

Andrew Carlson: Forever a servant of the socially misguided and therefore everyone.

2002-08-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

So Wrong Yet So Arnold

Okay, I haven't gotten the fun ways to get drunk from people yet, mostly because people who drink enough to know fun ways to get drunk don't have enough brain cells to think creatively. Anyway, I found something equally amusing, and more than disturbing. I'll let it do allll the talking. Enjoy.

Movie 1

Movie 2

Movie 3

Once the hysterical laughter has ceased, I'll see you around.
-Andrew

2002-08-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

"If I Gave A Shit, You'd Be the First One I Gave It To."

That's right, you heard it here first. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. (Where else you would hear this, I don't know... but if you ever do find something... please, tell me.)

I have lots of friends who don't give a shit, or atleast claim not to (my follow-up issue down there shows one of them). Some of them, though, give way too much shit. Or... something. Every little thing bothers them. If their shit is slightly discolored (okay, I know, enough with the feces talk) they get bent out of shape. There's no pleasing these people.

They are the worst when they're your supervisor at work.

"I hate it when boxes are stacked like that!"

"I didn't stack those."

"Well, it's just so you know...."

"I do know. That's why I don't stack them like that."

Just so you know.... God, I hate that. You just know that they are blaming you, not giving you "helpful tips". A helpful tip would be "Don't ride the step ladders in front of customers", not "Don't stack big boxes on small ones". Duh. Anyone who does that shouldn't be in this line of work. My supervisor (I say supervisor because she is by no means my boss, nor is she just a co-worker... she's worked there longer than I have) is anal-retentive. She's so anal retentive, in fact, that she puts my own retentiveness to shame. She hates it when I leave unwritten labels sitting in our work-cart. She thinks it's "messy". It doesn't matter if I'm going to use them or if I'm leaving them there for tomorrow. She throws them away. Hates them, because they make her beautiful cart look cluttered. I don't take this woman seriously anymore. My mother plays baseball with her, and says she sucks. She's also heard her complain about guys thinking she's high-maintainence.

Gee... no kidding?

Anyway, before I get off on a rant, I better get back on track. People who get bent out of shape too easily. This is my #1 Pet peeve. My dad hates it when I roll my eyes... even if it's not at him. He thinks he should be able to control my motor functions. My mother hates it when I prove her wrong. My friends hate it when I point out a fault in them. All of these people go fucking ballistic whenever these things happen. They can't stand it. Jesus Christ, take a damn pill. I personally don't give a flying duck. I like to sit back and watch shit happen, then say funny things about it.

I should be a sports commentator side-kick or something. I really should.

"That boy hit that thing harder than an Idaho patatoe in an Alaskan winter!"

Good? No? Okay.

The truth is, I don't have much to talk about. I got off work today and they've cut back on my shifts due to over-scheduling. Bastards. I was so looking forward to the three night shifts in a row.

Allow me to roll my eyes.

I know I said that I was going to do an article on "My friends, aka the people who don't piss me off." but I realized, who the fuck would want to read that?. I put a link to Bitty's Alcohole, an excellent place where drunkards gather to say Absolut-ly nothing about Absolut-ly everything. They're all my buds who I hang with and get drunk with. Drinking is bad. Very bad. Very very fun, but bad. Don't start until you're thirteen, kids.

NEXT ISSUE: Fun ways to get drunk! Email me with suggestions.

Fuck off then.
Andrew

2002-08-22T02:20:00.000-07:00

A Follow-Up: "Society Raped My Personality"

Here is a conversation that started just after I posted my first rant. Coincidence? No. Enjoy.

Severus: "and anyone who isn't part of that group hates him."
Severus: I am not part of the group, but I love him
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: lol
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: well then you are part of the minority. Minority's are unimportant.
Severus: his music is cool, I couldn't give a fuck what he says
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: then you are in my group
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: lol
Severus: I don't give a shit if I am minority or majority
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: i like his music, and I think it's cool as long as you realize that he's talking shit
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: his lyrics mean nada
Severus: a matter of fact, Osama could bombe the world and I wouldn't give a fuck
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: lmao
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: So are you saying Osama has the right idea, or are you just impartial when it comes to genocide?
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: honest question... I'm not gonna freak at you
Severus: *is listening to stairway to heaven and thinking about his girlfriend*
Severus: I am impartial
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: being Impartial is no where to stand.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: you can't just sit around scratching your balls as the world goes to hell
Severus: if it happens to someone else i don't care, if it happens to me, i don't care, i am dead, what can i do?
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: either you sit around on your ass griping about it
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: or you sit around on your ass cheering it on
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: now THAT'S involvement
Severus: I'd rather sit on my ass and think about my girlfriend
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: I think you'd rather sit on your girlfriend, think about HER ass.
Severus: lol
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: now you have it.
Severus: I am not perverted
Severus: not to say that's bad
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: i wasn't aware that being sexually attracted was a perversion. Have you been talking to Osama?
Severus: no
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: then explain, cryptic one.
Severus: It's just the way i am
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: atleast you aren't like society. I applaud you.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: I hate society because it has raped my personality.
Severus: I am guy that doesn't think about sex much
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: ...
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: ok.
Severus: and doesn't care if anyone else does or not
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: riiiight... *backs away slowly*
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: I think I stepped into that damn twilight zone again.
Severus: I will let everyone do what they want
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: are you an anarchist?
Severus: and sometimes if I get bored I will join them
Severus: no
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: do you know what anarchy is?
Severus: no
Severus: you know what i am though
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: did you know you can be something even if you don't know what it is?
Severus: I am an Autistic person who is empathic and wonders if he is part of the human gene pool
Severus: I also hold hate for no man or woman
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: my basement has become flooded with that damn pool. The pump stopped working and it has become stagnant. What a smell. *plugs nose*
Severus: heheheeh!
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: what I wouldn't give to hear the audio version of that laugh.
Severus: it would be something along the lines of a high pitched: "IiiiiHiihihihihihi!"
Severus: but insanely
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: oh, but insane.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: okay, cuz I was thinking that it sounded way too sane.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: definitely.
Severus: I am probably classified as homocidically insane
Severus: without the killing people part
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: is homocidically a word?
Severus: I think so
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: no, it isn't.
Severus: If it isn't it is now
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: well sure.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: but i believe you would be called homocidally insane.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: i could be wrong, but I'm not.
Severus: or are you 0.o
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: please, spare me the animecons
Severus: lol
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: it makes me so sad.
Severus: I use it to get my point across
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: me too... i tend to use this one a lot: >_<
Severus: I never use the ^^
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: you mean ^_^
Severus: OMG! I just did!
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: you sucker.
Severus: so did you!
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: you are now homosexual.
Severus: *points*
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: dammit.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: okay, you aren't homosexual.
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: oh, and niether am I.
Severus: *Watches Shinzo*
A.N.D.R.E.W.: Artificial Networked Device Responsible for Exploration and Warfare: I've lost him.
THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I START IGNORING POOR SEVERUS
Severus: who?
Severus: lost who?
Severus: *is lost*
Severus: ahhhhhhh... now i get it
Severus: *is going now*
Severus: *would say goodbye but cannot be bothered typing three letters...*
*** severus@fakemale.com signed off at Thu Aug 22 02:06:58 2002

And there you have it. My first opinion. Ain't it grand?

^_^

...

O_o

I'm outta here.
-Andrew

2002-08-22T01:25:00.000-07:00

The Reason Why Free Speech and the Internet are Like Bunnies on Viagra

You'll find that very rarely do the topics have much to do with the content. You'll find no bunnies, nor will you find Viagra. You will find crap loads of free speech, unfortunately.

Welcome to the opening of the Unfortunate Lizard. I am Andrew Carlson, a highschool graduate that works at Staples to fund his alcohol and beef jerky habit. I have a mother, a father, a step mother, a step father, a sister, four step sisters, and a step brother. I don't plan on going back to school until I suddenly fall face down in to a BIG SHIT LOAD OF CASH. I am single because females, right now, bug the hell out of me and every single one that asks me out is either stupid, retarded, or not perfect. But, enough about my personal life. I will now dance around naked, summoning the rain. You will all join me, if you do not wish to die. Thank you, that is all.

Wait, no it's not.

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about someone who is very dear to all our hearts. And when I say dear, I mean that if we don't hate him, we follow him with some kind of fanatic zeal second only to a cult of sadomasachism. Who am I talking about? Marilyn Manson? Nope. Fred Durst? Ha. Not likely. Ja Rule? Puh-lease. Expect him in another rant later on, though.

That's right ladies and gentleman, you guessed it (after three guesses, you idiots). Eminem. Marshall Mathers. Slim Shady. We all love him, don't we?

Oh right, I already dealt with that whole love thing.

Eminem to the public eye is a homophobic (apparently... I've never seen any evidence) womanizer with alcohol problems and a tendency to go a little over the top. He busted onto the charts with his partnership with Dr. Dre on "Forgot About Dre". Great song. Really. Uh-huh. Then, he was like a violent hormone-driven teenager with an alcohol problem and a need for destruction. The pitch of his voice was the selling point for me on that fact. So, we all remember Eminem from way back then. What has changed?

Other than a couple CD's, millions of dollars and hundreds of concerts, very little.

Eminem is still the drug-abusing, foul-mouthed, celebrity dissing male-role model we all know and love. Or do we? Know him, that is.

I've seen him in several interviews. The guy wears glasses. He's smart (although his ghetto-accent tends to cover that up), and surprisingly artistic. He's not like the Eminem or Slim Shady we see plastered all over every media.

He's Marshall Mathers.

The guy is out there to stir things up (much like I am... ahem) for no other reason than to show people just how gullible they are. People will believe anything they see on TV, and Mr. Mathers has proven this point over and over. Maybe a little too well, though. Mothers freak. Guys are talking shit about beating up their "hoes" because they don't put out. Homosexuals walk around with protest signs, telling people to boycott Mr. Mathers. He wasn't allowed into Canada to do a concert! This man has stirred things up, all right. I just hope he knows what he's doing.

Mr. Mathers tells everyone that if they don't like what he's doing, don't listen to him. Although it makes sense, it's a little easier said than done. No offence to anyone out there (okay fine, be offended... I like it) but you are all boneheads. That's right, I'm generalizing because I don't need to be specific. This is the free world, so majorities rule. And yes, I'm quite aware of the contradiction... sad, isn't it? Right now, the majority is enraptured with the Eminem craze. Girls love him (why, I don't know... they certainly don't see it the way I do), guys want to be like him, and anyone who isn't part of that group hates him.

Do I have the answer to this insanity, this media pandemonium? Of course I do. I have a few. But you won't like them.

1) We revoke the law of free speech and put a cork in Mr. Mathers. This, of course, will enrage the masses who love him, and cause either mass suicide or mass hysteria. Either way is likely to thin out the number of idiots in this world.

2) We make everyone love Eminem. Brainwashing for everyone (as if that hasn't happened already, you stupid sods).

3) WE CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND REALIZE THAT THE MAN IS PLAYING GAMES WITH US. We're only letting him win by bitching and moaning about all this. It's nothing. Until the man comes to my house, gets my mother pregant, ties her up, throws her in the trunk of his car and drives it off a bridge and then kills all the homosexuals in my city, I am not going to give a flying crap about what he has to say. He has SAID HIMSELF that his lyrics have ZERO VALUE. None. Nada. While I'm sure that isn't totally true-- songs like "The Way I Am" and "Cleaning Out My Closet" come to mind-- it has more merit than we give credit for.

So, what do we do? Door number one, number two, or number three? What am I, and idiot? I'm not going to leave that up to you! I'll leave it to the smart people who can see through the game that all of you have become so bent out of shape over.

NEXT ISSUE: My Friends, aka the people who don't piss me off.

I'm outtie, for now.
-Andrew