Are Doom and Duke Nukem Neo-Nazi Training Programs for Reemerging Hitler's Youth Groups?

No. And I don't ever want to hear you say they are. I am about to say something that will no doubt offend someone profoundly, but hey, that's what I'm here to do:

PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT PRESERVING THE INNOCENCE OF A CHILD BY BLINDFOLDING THEM OR BY PREVENTING THEM FROM PLAYING "VIOLENT" VIDEO GAMES SHOULD PULL THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR COLLECTIVE ASS!

In fact, preserving the innocence of a child --period-- is an overall bad thing to do. Before you start cussing and spitting, claiming ignorantly that the innocence of a child is a beatiful thing, shut up and listen to me. I SAID SHUT UP! Jesus, I can hear you already.

First of all, innocence is as beautiful as a nice drag of a cigarette. Sure, it feels good, but it's also irrevocably damaging in the long term.

Protecting your child's innocence is just a pleasant way of saying that you are denying your children the truth. That's just idiotic, because your kids are going to learn the truth one way or another: the easy way, or the hard way.

The easy way:

You allow your kids to see that there is bad things in the world. There are drugs, wars, murders, etc. etc. every day. It is purely naive to think that it is worth protecting a child's "innocence". For who's benefit are you saving this innocence? For the child? Who are you to say that your child is better off ignorant of the state of the world? I think parents preserve this innocence to allow themselves to live through the eyes of a child, so that they can somehow forget about the crappy state of this planet. Yes, it blows, but here is the alternative:

The Hard Way:

You shield your child from everything. They grow up in clothes from the Gap, thinking people who dress in leather jackets and wear mowhawks are evil, do their school-work and never go to parties and socially interact with people (because how can you keep them innocent if they have friends?). They go through child-hood and adolesance watching 7th-Heaven and reading books you have approved. They have a scholarship! Yay! They get to go to college to become a lawyer/doctor/scientist. You are so proud. Your child goes off to school, away from you. But wait, what's this? Wars? Murders? Drug abuse? What's all this about? Peer-pressure? Never heard of it. What do you call this? Beer? Okay, I think I'll take a sip. Weed? Sure, one puff shouldn't hurt...

Soon enough they are drunks because hell, they didn't know. And if you told them to avoid anyone who did it (which if the did, by the by, doesn't mean they will do it), they could miss out on some good friends.

Soon, they realize that the world isn't the la-la happy place that you made it out to be. The sun doesn't always shine, and the flowers don't sing a happy tune. People die, people over-dose, people kill. Wars decimate, and our own governments care less and less about us every day.

Don't you think that the best way to protect someone against something is to teach them to protect themselves? And sure, you can do that, but shouldn't they know what they're protecting themselves against? If you walk through a dark room with a riot shield and no flashlight, sure you'll stop the bad things, but you may stop some good things too.

Come on, give your kids a flash light. You aren't going to be around to hold that riot shield forever.

This just occurred to me. Does George Orwell's 1984 mean anything to you? I guess the people in that story were innocent, too.

I'm not saying a guiding hand is bad, but heck, controlling what someone knows and does not know is, in my opinion, morally wrong.

Knowing is the very essence of life, we all know that:

I think, therefore I am.

the saying is not:

My mommy says I can think, therefore I think I am.


Andrew Carlson: Forever a servant of the socially misguided and therefore everyone.

So Wrong Yet So Arnold

Okay, I haven't gotten the fun ways to get drunk from people yet, mostly because people who drink enough to know fun ways to get drunk don't have enough brain cells to think creatively. Anyway, I found something equally amusing, and more than disturbing. I'll let it do allll the talking. Enjoy.

Movie 1

Movie 2

Movie 3

Once the hysterical laughter has ceased, I'll see you around.
-Andrew

"If I Gave A Shit, You'd Be the First One I Gave It To."

That's right, you heard it here first. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. (Where else you would hear this, I don't know... but if you ever do find something... please, tell me.)

I have lots of friends who don't give a shit, or atleast claim not to (my follow-up issue down there shows one of them). Some of them, though, give way too much shit. Or... something. Every little thing bothers them. If their shit is slightly discolored (okay, I know, enough with the feces talk) they get bent out of shape. There's no pleasing these people.

They are the worst when they're your supervisor at work.

"I hate it when boxes are stacked like that!"

"I didn't stack those."

"Well, it's just so you know...."

"I do know. That's why I don't stack them like that."

Just so you know.... God, I hate that. You just know that they are blaming you, not giving you "helpful tips". A helpful tip would be "Don't ride the step ladders in front of customers", not "Don't stack big boxes on small ones". Duh. Anyone who does that shouldn't be in this line of work. My supervisor (I say supervisor because she is by no means my boss, nor is she just a co-worker... she's worked there longer than I have) is anal-retentive. She's so anal retentive, in fact, that she puts my own retentiveness to shame. She hates it when I leave unwritten labels sitting in our work-cart. She thinks it's "messy". It doesn't matter if I'm going to use them or if I'm leaving them there for tomorrow. She throws them away. Hates them, because they make her beautiful cart look cluttered. I don't take this woman seriously anymore. My mother plays baseball with her, and says she sucks. She's also heard her complain about guys thinking she's high-maintainence.

Gee... no kidding?

Anyway, before I get off on a rant, I better get back on track. People who get bent out of shape too easily. This is my #1 Pet peeve. My dad hates it when I roll my eyes... even if it's not at him. He thinks he should be able to control my motor functions. My mother hates it when I prove her wrong. My friends hate it when I point out a fault in them. All of these people go fucking ballistic whenever these things happen. They can't stand it. Jesus Christ, take a damn pill. I personally don't give a flying duck. I like to sit back and watch shit happen, then say funny things about it.

I should be a sports commentator side-kick or something. I really should.

"That boy hit that thing harder than an Idaho patatoe in an Alaskan winter!"

Good? No? Okay.

The truth is, I don't have much to talk about. I got off work today and they've cut back on my shifts due to over-scheduling. Bastards. I was so looking forward to the three night shifts in a row.

Allow me to roll my eyes.

I know I said that I was going to do an article on "My friends, aka the people who don't piss me off." but I realized, who the fuck would want to read that?. I put a link to Bitty's Alcohole, an excellent place where drunkards gather to say Absolut-ly nothing about Absolut-ly everything. They're all my buds who I hang with and get drunk with. Drinking is bad. Very bad. Very very fun, but bad. Don't start until you're thirteen, kids.

NEXT ISSUE: Fun ways to get drunk! Email me with suggestions.

Fuck off then.
Andrew